I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
