The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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