awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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