Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
