Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
