I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Come see our sink grown plant.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
