Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
