meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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