a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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