I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
