her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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