quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
