Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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