I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Randomize
