Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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