he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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