When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
