tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
