I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
