Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Randomize
