So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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