i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
The uberlube is also flammable
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
