Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
