That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
