Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
