oh god the rape fog is back!
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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