There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
