Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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