I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
