Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
