I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
