OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
