just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
