She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
