I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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