I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Randomize
