My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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