my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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