you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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