Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
