So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
