I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
