nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
