I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
