I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
