Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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