I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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