Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
