In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i think i have herpe
just one?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
