just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
